Confession

It all began at the New Year’s party in their first year of high school. From that moment, An Ruxin became deeply infatuated with Bai Miaoqing. Perhaps, under normal circumstances, that secret crush would’ve just quietly grown in her heart until she grew up, left adolescence behind, and came to see it as nothing more than a nostalgic memory, a tender echo of youth. But what happened afterward changed everything, turning that fleeting infatuation into a deep and lasting emotion that An Ruxin would carry with her always.

It was probably during the spring semester of their second year, at the school sports meet. The field was packed. Even the usually unused bleachers were crowded with students from all three grades. Slogans like “Colorful flags wave to cheer, athletes show their flair!” blared from the speakers. Students not participating in events were cheering at the top of their lungs. The school convenience store was swarmed, and the classrooms were nearly empty.

An Ruxin was never particularly enthusiastic about these events. She was an average student with no special talent for sports. Occasionally, if no one signed up for the 800-meter girls’ race, she might get pushed into it, but not this time—likely because her presence was just that forgettable.

Since she wasn’t competing, and had little class spirit to begin with, she didn’t feel like sitting in the sun on the field. Besides, after scanning the crowd and not spotting Bai Miaoqing, she felt even less inclined to stay.

So, quietly, An Ruxin slipped away and returned to the classroom.

It was completely empty. She dazed out for a while, then slowly walked over to Bai Miaoqing’s desk, heart pounding. She touched the edge of the desk, slowly sat down, and let her fingers trail across Bai Miaoqing’s desk, her pencil pouch, the books laid out. Then, she slipped a folded anonymous love letter from her pocket and tucked it into the drawer.

This wasn’t the first time she’d done this.

She often sneaked back during P.E. or the long recess, sat in Bai Miaoqing’s seat, feeling the lingering warmth, imagining the scent of her shampoo. She’d even secretly rummaged through her bag once—only then learning the name “Liuxiang High School.”

And she did the same thing again, on this day.

If anyone else saw her, they might’ve thought she was a pervert—or a thief. But An Ruxin was willing to take that risk.

Her mind was starting to wander when she suddenly heard something.

…Crying?

She froze for a second, then stood and tilted her head, trying to figure out where it was coming from.

She was in Class 1’s advanced class, the first classroom at the end of the corridor, right next to the bathroom and water room. She followed the sound outside, into the girls’ restroom, and stopped in front of a closed stall door.

The crying was coming from inside—a girl sobbing quietly.

An Ruxin hesitated. This felt like someone else’s private moment. Maybe she should leave. Just as she was about to back off, the crying stopped—and before she could react, the stall door opened.

Bai Miaoqing stepped out, eyes red, cheeks streaked with tears.

“An Ruxin?” she blinked, surprised. An Ruxin was also startled and blurted out:

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! I—I won’t tell anyone…!”

Bai Miaoqing seemed different today. She gave a faint, tired smile. “Mm… I believe you. Just don’t tell anyone, okay? I’ll wash my face and head back to the field. Pretend you didn’t see me.”

The sound of water running echoed all around. An Ruxin’s eyes stayed on Bai Miaoqing, who was washing her face.

Why was she crying…?

An Ruxin didn’t like seeing her cry. She wanted Bai Miaoqing to always smile bravely and confidently. She couldn’t help blaming herself for witnessing such a moment—it felt like she’d stumbled upon a secret. They weren’t even close to begin with, and now, after this awkward encounter, Bai Miaoqing was sure to dislike her even more! She should just leave right now!

…But why did her feet feel glued to the floor?

Why was her heart beating so fast?

Suddenly, An Ruxin said, “B-Bai Miaoqing… I know I don’t really know you, and I don’t know why you’re sad, but I just wanted to say… um, don’t be upset. You’re the best girl I’ve ever met. No matter what happened, it’s not your fault… So don’t be sad. I hope you’ll be happy. And even if something makes you sad, it’s okay to cry once in a while. I—I won’t tell anyone!”

What a mess. An Ruxin wanted to smack herself. Bai Miaoqing looked a little shocked, too.

But then she smiled—a soft, gentle smile.

After that, it seemed like nothing had changed. Bai Miaoqing was still the cheerful center of attention, and An Ruxin remained the unnoticed bystander. Their social circles never overlapped. An Ruxin kept slipping anonymous letters into her desk, never knowing if any were ever read. She kept watching her from behind, silently.

But something did change, somehow.

Sometimes, just sometimes, An Ruxin felt like Bai Miaoqing would smile at her with that same tenderness from that day. That rare, vulnerable smile.

Maybe it was all in her head, but An Ruxin felt that—after that day—she was special to Bai Miaoqing.

Even if they still weren’t close, and even if she was clearly dreaming.

The day before the college entrance exam, there were no classes. School was off.

The usually stern homeroom teacher gave an emotional speech. Many students cried. An Ruxin didn’t care about any of that. She just knew that after three years, it was all ending. She probably would never see Bai Miaoqing again. Three years of one-sided love—and Bai Miaoqing would never know someone had liked her so much. An Ruxin had planned to keep that love buried forever, but maybe it was the weight of impending separation, or maybe that moment of seeing Bai Miaoqing cry had given her a strange illusion…

In the end, just before going home, An Ruxin called out to her.

It might’ve been the first time An Ruxin ever initiated a conversation with her.

She said she had something to talk about.

Bai Miaoqing said okay.

They walked around the track, loop after loop. Bai Miaoqing didn’t seem as lively as usual—head slightly lowered, almost shy. An Ruxin’s face was burning. Finally, finally, she gathered all her courage, determined to give her crush a conclusion.

An Ruxin said, “I like you. I’ve liked you for a long time.”

To her surprise, Bai Miaoqing softly replied, “I like you too.”

Joy overwhelmed An Ruxin. They held hands and walked more laps before reluctantly parting. Two young girls had stumbled into a hazy, innocent romance right before graduation. An Ruxin’s secret love had finally bloomed. Even though they’d soon be going their separate ways, she was no longer afraid—they’d promised to attend college in the same city.

An Ruxin thought to herself: Even if it’s a long-distance relationship, I won’t be afraid. As long as we love each other, everything will be fine.

But in the end, it was all just what she thought.

After the last exam, An Ruxin rushed to Bai Miaoqing’s classroom. She was laughing and chatting with her close friends. When she saw An Ruxin running over, she didn’t say much—just told her friends something and followed her out.

If only time had stopped there. If only the world had ended in that moment. An Ruxin wished she could erase everything that happened next. Her memories blurred, twisted—Bai Miaoqing’s face in her mind distorted, and her feelings, once pure, became warped.

What did Bai Miaoqing say? An Ruxin wished she didn’t remember—but after all these years, she remembered every word with painful clarity.

She said: “I’ve known for a long time that you liked me. I always knew.”

She said: “I don’t like you. I only said that before the exam because I was afraid you’d get too upset and mess up your performance.”

She said: “…Messing up someone’s college entrance exam—that’s a terrible thing to do. I couldn’t bear that burden, you understand?”

She said: “If you really liked me, you shouldn’t have confessed at such a critical moment… it affected my mood too.”

She said: “But I don’t blame you… and you don’t need to blame me either. Just pretend none of this ever happened. You were just secretly in love with me all along. Just pretend I never knew.”

She said: “…Why don’t I like you?”

She said: “Do you really want me to answer that?”

She said: “You already know, don’t you…? It would hurt too much to say it out loud.”

She said: “Because you’re not good enough.”

I feel like throwing up. My head’s about to split open. An Ruxin thought she hadn’t cried. Bai Miaoqing had walked away and rejoined her friends. An Ruxin walked out the school gate; her homeroom teacher and her parents were waiting for her—they’d been waiting a long time. Her parents said, “You’ve worked hard, now you can relax.” An Ruxin didn’t say a word. She went home, into her bedroom, collapsed onto her bed, pounded her pillow with all her strength, and the tears wouldn’t stop.

An Ruxin cried so hard she nearly convulsed. She wanted to vomit… but she still liked her so much. This feeling was so absurd that even An Ruxin found herself ridiculous, and yet, somehow, it still made sense in the end.

Through tears, gritting her teeth, An Ruxin told herself, “That’s right. It’s supposed to be this way… The Bai Miaoqing I love is supposed to be this perfect. So perfect that she could never be with someone like me, a background character who’s not good enough. She’s supposed to stay perfect forever…”

An Ruxin’s three years of high school had ended.

An Ruxin’s adolescence had ended.

———

Thinking back on all of this now, An Ruxin felt awful. She twisted her fingers irritably, stared at the Bai Miaoqing in front of her, and said, feigning nonchalance, “I remember… that was all in the past. I was still a kid back then, kind of immature… Why bring it up now?”

Bai Miaoqing’s lips were trembling, like she was about to cry.

Why are you crying? An Ruxin didn’t understand. I never blamed you. I just liked you, that’s all. Wouldn’t that make you feel worse instead?

Bai Miaoqing, unaware of what was going through the other’s mind, spoke to herself: “Back in high school… I really did like you.”

…What?

“I really liked you,” Bai Miaoqing choked, “but Chen Anran took everything from me… When I got to high school, it was a fresh start. I used to be a mess of a person, but I wanted to be better. I worked so hard… and I was so tired. You were the only one who noticed. I really liked you… So when you confessed, I said yes. But Chen Anran took it all. From the very first day of high school, she kept haunting me, showing up in my dreams, possessing me. Later on, she started using my body to do strange things. She wanted to steal my life…

I really did like you. But after the college entrance exams, when you came looking for me—she showed up again. She used my voice to say all those things to you. I wanted to find you, but she kept growing stronger. I couldn’t control myself anymore. In the end… all the way through college, she stayed in my body. And slowly, I discovered the only way to get rid of her…”

Her eyes were full of tears, her smile bitter: “The only way to get rid of her… was to give up. To become worse. To let myself fall apart, like how things were when she was still around. So I did. I dropped out, moved away, and Chen Anran vanished. In the end, she still won. She took everything from me…

Until yesterday, when I saw you again…”

Bai Miaoqing paused, then said: “…Because I still like you. That’s why… she came back.”