Losing the Child

Chapter 45

Li Qingqing didn’t fall asleep until the latter half of the night.

The exhaustion of the journey combined with the panic over her pregnancy made her sleep very fitfully during the early hours, but by morning, she had fallen into a deep slumber.

Wu Jie woke up first the next day. Seeing that she was still asleep, he didn’t wake her, but went out on his own to ask Second Cousin what they were eating today.

Consequently, when Li Qingqing woke up, there was no one beside her. Since it was daylight, she could clearly see the piles of scrap metal and junk stacked inside the shed.

Panic seized Li Qingqing’s heart. She immediately assumed Wu Jie had been killed by them. She didn’t stop to wonder why she hadn’t woken up earlier; instead, her mind flashed to Ming Wen. If Ming Wen were here, what would she do?

Li Qingqing forced herself to calm down slightly and grabbed a flat iron bar from the pile of metal.

“Breakfast is ready!” someone said, entering the shed.

Li Qingqing had intended to strike the person with the bar as soon as she heard footsteps, but the moment she heard the voice, she immediately pulled the weapon back.

It was Wu Jie.

Wu Jie was carrying two large bowls, steam rising from them.

“Wife, come and eat breakfast. Second Cousin and I went out to buy this. It’s called wontons, and they’re a whole yuan a bowl! They’re stuffed with meat!”

A yuan a bowl? Li Qingqing looked at the wontons in the bowl. She felt that for something so expensive, why would Second Cousin treat them so readily? Could it be drugged?

Li Qingqing was about to warn Wu Jie when she saw him dig into his own bowl, grimacing from the heat.

Or maybe they only drugged her bowl?

No matter what she said, this man probably wouldn’t believe her.

Li Qingqing calculated in her mind and said, “I can’t eat this much.”

As she spoke, she scooped three wontons from her bowl into Wu Jie’s.

“You eat more.”

Seeing his wife sharing her wontons with him, Wu Jie felt even happier and ate with more gusto.

Li Qingqing said, “It’s too hot right now. I’ll wait a bit before eating.”

Wu Jie quickly finished his bowl, not even leaving a drop of soup. Li Qingqing said, “I’m thirsty. Go get me some water.”

Wu Jie replied, “Wife, just drink the soup.”

“I want water.”

It was just a request for water, so Wu Jie went out to pour some. He walked perfectly fine.

Seeing that he was fine after eating, Li Qingqing felt relieved and began to eat slowly herself.

It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Wu Jie; it was mainly that she was simply too terrified.

Wu Jie returned with the water and said, “Eat up. This is good stuff. Does it taste good?”

Li Qingqing had already tasted the savory meat filling. She felt immensely satisfied and couldn’t help but say, “It’s certainly worth a yuan a bowl.”

Wu Jie said, “Now you know it’s good. Yesterday you thought Second Cousin wasn’t a good person. Don’t mind that this place is a bit run-down; the food is top-notch.”

Li Qingqing’s doubts hadn’t entirely vanished. This place was a dump, so where did Second Cousin get the money?

She soon found out where the money came from.

After breakfast, Second Cousin came to call them: “Time to head out for work.”

She and Wu Jie walked several kilometers and then took a bus back toward the city center.

The bus stopped in front of a residential area with several apartment buildings. Second Cousin led them off the bus.

After getting off, Second Cousin instructed, “Be a bit more sweet-talking in a moment. Keep a smile on your face when you speak.”

What exactly were they going to do?

Soon, as the three of them threaded through the buildings, Second Cousin raised his voice and shouted-

“Scrap collection! Buying scrap iron and copper!”

“Buying old newspapers and broken pots!”

So this was it? In an instant, the shackles on Li Qingqing’s heart fell away. She joined in, raising her voice to shout in Mandarin, “Scrap collection! Buying scrap iron and copper!”

Her voice was higher, and because she spoke Mandarin, many people poked their heads out to look at the three of them.

Wu Jie’s entire face turned bright red.

“Scrap collectors? Why are there two more of you?”

“Disaster hit the hometown, so I brought my younger brother and his wife out to make a living. Boss, remember to give us your business,” Second Cousin chatted and laughed with the person.

Soon, the person said, “I have some old newspapers in the house. Just take them.”

Second Cousin immediately said, “That won’t do. A fair price for fair goods. There’s no reason to take things for free. We aren’t beggars.”

Second Cousin calculated the payment bit by bit. It seemed the people around all knew him. Someone even asked-

“You went back home for a while?”

“My old father wasn’t feeling well, so I went back to look after him,” Second Cousin replied.

“A pot of mine broke, and I didn’t sell it to anyone else. I saved it specifically for you. You’re the honest one, never cheating on the weight.”

Second Cousin didn’t just collect items himself; he also introduced the young couple. “These are my brother and sister-in-law. They’ll be helping with scrap collection from now on. Please look out for them.”

Although Li Qingqing felt a bit embarrassed, at this moment, her heart finally settled.

So they were making money through scrap collection in the city. Although it was a bit dirty and tiring, she felt at ease.

By the end of the day, she had spent her time hauling things and calculating accounts. Second Cousin assigned a few households to the couple.

“Later on, you can come and collect from them yourselves,” Second Cousin said while totaling the books. “Look, you earned one yuan today.”

That night, it was Wu Jie’s turn to be unable to sleep. He had struggled so hard to come out here, thinking he would make a fortune in the city so the two of them could have a big, healthy son and live a good life together.

Instead, he had brought his wife out to grovel at every door to collect trash, and in the end, they only earned one yuan! What kind of money was that? The bus fare for the two of them alone cost two yuan a day.

“Wife… wake up…”

Li Qingqing woke up groggily. “Do you need to use the bathroom?”

“No, wife. I don’t think Second Cousin’s way is working. We worked so hard back home just because we wanted to live a good life in the city, right? How come now that we’re here, it’s not only hard and tiring, but we have to endure people’s attitudes? Even if we ignore the attitudes, we only made one yuan for the whole day.”

Li Qingqing had slept very little the night before and had spent the entire day walking around for scrap collection. She was exhausted and didn’t really process what he was complaining about, only knowing it wasn’t a bathroom emergency. She said, “Today was the first day. We shouldn’t be in such a rush. No one makes big money on their very first day.”

She drifted back to sleep.

Wu Jie was still restless and shook her awake again. “That won’t work either. It’s not about the money, I’m serious. Think about it, once we have a son, are we going to take him with us to collect trash?”

Li Qingqing woke up once more. Hearing him mention the child made her take him more seriously. She said, “We don’t have an education and we don’t have connections. We can’t find any other work in the city. We might as well do this for now. If we find a suitable job later, we’ll switch to something else.”

Wu Jie tossed and turned, unable to sleep, but finally resigned himself to fate. Li Qingqing was right. They had no network and no education.

The next day, as expected, Second Cousin stopped taking them along. He had them go out to collect on their own and bring whatever they gathered back to the shed in the suburbs.

Only then did Li Qingqing realize that Second Cousin rented this shed from a local farmer. Usually, the farmer would help keep an eye on things so the goods wouldn’t be stolen.

She felt like money was being spent everywhere, so she had to collect as much as possible today.

Back in the mountains, Li Qingqing had been able to help Ming Wen with her work after finishing her own chores. Now that she was in the city, she still possessed a good deal of strength. She collected scrap paper, scrap iron, and waste plastic bottles with great vigor all along the way. In the end, the couple was carrying quite a heavy load.

Wu Jie was both tired and unhappy. The whole way back, he kept grumbling that this job wasn’t as good as being in the mountains.

The two of them soon reached the bus stop. Even though it was the last bus, the conductor was very displeased because they were carrying so many things.

“These scrap collectors should have to buy an extra ticket. They take up so much space,” someone nearby remarked.

Li Qingqing was stunned for a moment. She squeezed the scrap further to the side and said nothing.

This time, after returning, Wu Jie didn’t even wait until bedtime. As soon as he sat down, he said, “Maybe we should just go back and farm the land.”

Li Qingqing said, “I know what you mean. I felt terrible on the bus too. But if we go back now, the people in our hometown will laugh at us. We’re still following Second Cousin, yet we’d be slinking back without having earned any real money.”

While on the bus today, Li Qingqing had been thinking: if Ming Wen encountered this situation, what would she do?

The answer was to do her own thing and ignore what others said.

Since Li Qingqing refused to go back, Wu Jie had no choice but to stay. That day, the two of them worked themselves to the bone but only earned five yuan. One had to realize that their daily meals and bus fare combined cost more than five yuan.

On the third day, the young couple continued walking while shouting for scrap.

Business was poor today. They only collected about ten pounds of old books and some copper wire.

It wasn’t until evening that the two of them prepared to take the bus back.

“Scrap collectors! Scrap collectors!”

Someone came up behind them wheeling a bicycle.

The person was only a teenager, not very old.

“I’m calling you! Scrap collectors, why are you running so fast?”

Wu Jie snapped, “What do you want?”

“Don’t be angry, we’re doing business here,” the boy said with a grin. “Do you buy bicycles? I have a bike.”

Even though the couple were from the countryside, they knew bicycles were precious. “We can’t afford to buy that.”

“You can’t even come up with three yuan?”

“Three yuan?”

“Yeah, my dad bought it for me, but I don’t like it anymore. He’s going to buy me a new one, so the old one is just being sold for the scrap metal.”

Wu Jie knew city people were rich, but he didn’t know they were this rich. He didn’t know much about bicycles, but he felt this was definitely a way to make money.

The two of them bought the bicycle. After they returned, Second Cousin praised them profusely.

“You’ve got potential! Wait a while and sell it in Rongcheng¹; you can make at least forty yuan.”

Forty yuan? They made that much in one day?

Li Qingqing was overjoyed, stunned that they had earned so much money all at once.

But after the excitement passed, she had a question. “Why go to Rongcheng to sell it?”

“It’s not convenient here,” Second Cousin said.

Second Cousin didn’t say why it wasn’t convenient, but Li Qingqing soon found out. The next day, she saw the boy who had sold them the bicycle picking someone else’s bike lock.

The bicycle was stolen!

She went back and told Second Cousin.

Second Cousin said, “If it wasn’t stolen, how could it be sold so cheaply?”

“If we buy it, won’t the police come looking for us?”

“You didn’t know it was stolen, and you didn’t steal it yourself. Even if the police come, it’s fine. Don’t be afraid.”

Li Qingqing felt very uncomfortable, but everyone around her was doing the same thing.

“We aren’t doing this anymore,” she told Wu Jie that night.

Having earned money, Wu Jie was in a good mood and felt bold, even a bit smug. He said, “Are you stupid? If we don’t buy it, will those people stop stealing? No, they’ll still steal and sell to others. Someone else will just make the money. Instead of letting others earn it, we might as well earn it ourselves.”

Li Qingqing remained unhappy. She just felt uneasy and didn’t want to do it. Even though they weren’t the ones stealing, it made them feel like thieves.

Back in her hometown, although she was poor, she had never stolen anything.

Seeing her reluctance and remembering that Li Qingqing was carrying his son, Wu Jie said, “How about this? From now on, I’ll go out to collect, and you stay home and cook. Eating out is too expensive; it’s better to cook for ourselves. Anyway, the money I’m making now is enough for both of us to eat.”

“Alright then.”

Li Qingqing didn’t know what else to do. Everyone around her was like this, and what Wu Jie said made sense – they hadn’t stolen anything.

Besides, everyone was doing it.

She told herself that once she found another job, she would stop doing this.

Next year. Next year, the two of them would find a different way to make a living.

Since Li Qingqing was no longer collecting scrap, Second Cousin introduced her to a woman in the neighboring shed.

“Big Sister Yao, please help look after her a bit.”

Big Sister Yao’s husband was also a scrap collector. She was here looking after three children. According to her, two of the children belonged to her sisters; since family planning inspections² were strict right now, they were hiding here with her.

Every day, Li Qingqing would go to the vegetable market with Big Sister Yao.

“We have to go early,” the older woman said. “Otherwise, we won’t be able to get the good eggs.”

Li Qingqing would go with her every day to snatch up eggs and cheap vegetables.

Once the two of them became close, the older woman would invite her over to knit sweaters together.

Because the woman could speak Mandarin, Li Qingqing almost always spoke Mandarin with her, wanting to practice more.

“You’re from Sichuan, aren’t you? You have that accent when you speak. I have a distant sister-in-law who married into my family from over there, and you sound exactly like her when you speak Mandarin.”

Li Qingqing was startled. She was a local, and her Mandarin had been taught to her by Sha Niu. She didn’t actually know where Sha Niu’s Mother was from. Perhaps she really was from Sichuan.

She didn’t deny it; if she had, she would have had to explain who taught her Mandarin and other such things.

Life continued this way until December arrived in the blink of an eye. Her belly was quite large now, and the neighbor woman wouldn’t even let her go out to buy groceries anymore.

“I’ll buy them for you. Don’t go out. Looking at you, I’d say you’re about ready to give birth. Tell your man not to go out either; stay home these next few days.”

Li Qingqing had never given birth before, and she hadn’t treated it as a major ordeal. Back in her hometown, many women worked in the mountains until the day before they gave birth. To her, it was something she hadn’t given much deep thought to.

With that mindset, Li Qingqing went into labor. She thought it would be over quickly, but no matter what the midwife said, she simply didn’t have the strength.

From morning until night, the baby wouldn’t come. Wu Jie hurriedly rushed her to the hospital, and she soon lost consciousness.

When Li Qingqing woke up, it was already the third day.

She could feel that the child was no longer in her belly, so she asked Wu Jie, who was beside her, “Where is the baby?”

Wu Jie quickly said, “It’s enough that you’re okay. We’ll have more children later.”

Wu Jie explained the situation. “The baby stayed in your womb too long and passed away. Don’t cry, it’ll hurt your recovery. We’ll have another child in the future.”

Li Qingqing gave a soft hum of acknowledgment. Her mind was a complete blank, and she couldn’t quite describe what she was feeling.

Regarding the matter of having a child, she was actually still quite ignorant. She hadn’t even fantasized about how to raise one; after all, she was only nineteen.

But she had never imagined she would lose the child.

Her brain couldn’t process it yet. she even started sleeping again. When she woke up that night, she reflexively touched her stomach, only then realizing there was no baby inside.

She froze for a moment. Then, it was as if she only now truly received the news that the child was gone. A wave of misery began to spread through her.

She pushed the sleeping Wu Jie awake.

When Wu Jie woke up, he heard Li Qingqing ask, “Was it a girl or a boy?”

“A girl. Don’t think about it. Just focus on recovering.”

“Where is she buried?”

“Not far from that shack we lived in when we first arrived.”

“Did they let us bury her there?”

“I gave them some money. Don’t worry.”

“Did you buy a coffin?”

“Of course I did.”

“I want to go see her tomorrow.”

“You’re in confinement. You can’t be out in the wind. Be good. Once your month is up³, I’ll take you to see her.”

Li Qingqing hummed in response. The next day, as soon as she got out of bed, the pain was so intense she couldn’t walk. She forced herself to take a few steps but was quickly sent back to the room by the neighbor woman.

“Just lie down. Your recovery is what matters most right now.”

Li Qingqing ate a little, but she remained miserable. Although she came from a poor background, she was naturally optimistic and had rarely faced such a distressing situation.

She could only hope she would feel better in a couple of days.

The physical pain did slowly improve, but a more terrifying situation emerged.

Originally, her attention could remain on her physical injuries, but as the bodily pain faded, she began to feel another, more unbearable emotion.

It was a bitterness radiating from the depths of her heart. The next time the neighbor woman visited, her daughter came along.

Li Qingqing couldn’t help but fix her gaze on the four or five year old girl, and her eyes began to overflow with tears.

At nineteen, Li Qingqing began to truly experience the bitterness of this world. She thought of Ming Wen again, remembering what Ming Wen had said to her that day.

Could this be her retribution?

Back then, she had spoken so lightly of the deaths of her two younger sisters, and now her own daughter was dead. At this moment, she even wanted to ask her own mother how she had endured it back then.

The lingering pain made it impossible for her to sleep. Wu Jie was still out collecting scrap, coming back every day to tell her how much money he had made.

Li Qingqing began to find she didn’t want to see Wu Jie.

Especially now, as Wu Jie had acquired another bicycle over the last two days.

He couldn’t hide his joy.

Li Qingqing looked at him, watching the irrepressible happiness in his eyes. A hidden resentment even grew in her heart. It was their child; why wasn’t he suffering at all?

How could he have an appetite? How could he sleep so well?

She started to pick fights with him. She stopped cooking, and she wouldn’t eat either. Seeing that she hadn’t cooked and knowing she was still grieving for the child, Wu Jie bought groceries and cooked the meals himself.

His high energy and completely unaffected demeanor only infuriated Li Qingqing further.

At night, she would pinch him awake over and over again. She would get up repeatedly during the night and couldn’t help but lash out at him with harsh words.

She couldn’t stand the sight of his happiness. Why? They had both lost a child, yet she was the only one suffering.

She was determined to drag him down with her. When she saw him frown and said out of spite that they might as well all starve to death, Li Qingqing felt a slight sense of relief.

But soon, Wu Jie said to her, “I’ve rented a place in the city. The living conditions here are too poor. Didn’t you used to like those apartment buildings over there?”

They were both from the village, and seeing the city’s apartment buildings had been a great novelty to them.

He was truly being good to her. Li Qingqing began to reflect on herself. If she had treated Wu Jie the way he was treating her, she would have definitely lost her temper. Perhaps he wasn’t without grief; it was just that one person in a couple had to stay calm.

Thinking of this, Li Qingqing lost her fighting spirit. she felt she was being pointless. No matter how much she made a scene or how miserable she was, the child wouldn’t come back. There was no point in constantly tormenting Wu Jie; it wasn’t as if he had killed the child.

With her mind finally clear, she moved into the city and began to focus on her recovery.

Here, she met many more city people. Some were warm and talkative, while others had thorns in their words, but none of them were quite like Ming Wen.

Li Qingqing had never met anyone like Ming Wen in her entire life, not even after coming to the city. She was simply too quiet.

It was only after her own burns had healed that Li Qingqing learned that one of the Immortal Lady’s fingers had been broken when she was injured. Even in that state, Ming Wen had applied the medicine slowly and methodically, showing no sign of pain.

She hoped that she could one day be that strong.

Back in the village, she could never stop herself from seeking out Ming Wen. She, Sha Niu, and Ming Wen would dig in the fields and weed together, wash clothes together, and go into the mountains to gather firewood. Every time, it was she and Sha Niu who did all the talking, while Ming Wen simply listened to them.

On several occasions, Li Qingqing had visited the Zhang family home while the Zhang family auntie was relentlessly scolding Ming Wen. Ming Wen would just sit there, very still, as if she were a tree planted in the ground.

When she was like that, Li Qingqing felt that even though she was right beside her, they were worlds apart.

In those days, Ming Wen would often look up at the clouds in the sky. She would say that the clouds were very beautiful.

Back then, Li Qingqing never understood what was so good about looking at the clouds.

Once, Ming Wen said, “Those clouds in the sky are truly beautiful.”

Li Qingqing had looked up to see the sky filled with clumps of clouds. To her, they looked like the piles of wild grass they burned in the fields for fertilizer during the winter, which produced a choking smoke. She couldn’t understand how that was beautiful.

In the evening, Wu Jie returned.

Wu Jie was still very happy today. He went on and on about how much money he had earned again, saying that he and Second Cousin would soon be able to go to Rongcheng, where they could make even more.

Li Qingqing listened to him talk as she went to the window to get her yarn. She wanted to knit a sweater.

It was dusk, and the horizon was a blazing fire. Layers upon layers of clouds were dyed a deep red.

Behind her was Wu Jie’s excited voice, and before her were the rolling sunset clouds⁴.

She thought of the past. She remembered how she, Sha Niu, and the Immortal Lady had carried their baskets on their backs, the three of them feeling the wind on their faces as they watched the clouds.

Now, as she looked at the clouds, they seemed just like the clouds from that day. The Immortal Lady was right; they were truly beautiful, stretch after stretch, turning redder and redder, as if the night would never come.

And just like that, her tears began to fall.

In the end, Li Qingqing finished knitting a small sweater. In front of a small earthen mound outside the city, she burned it⁵ for the daughter she had never met.

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Translator’s Notes

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1. Rongcheng: A traditional literary and historical alias for Chengdu, the capital of Sichuan province. The name literally means ‘Hibiscus City’. ↩
2. family planning inspections: Refers to the enforcement of China’s One-Child Policy (instituted in 1979). During this era, officials conducted strict checks to prevent unauthorized births, leading many families to hide ‘extra’ children with relatives or in different regions to avoid heavy fines or forced procedures. ↩
3. Once your month is up: Refers to the completion of the thirty-day postpartum confinement period. It is traditionally believed that a woman is highly vulnerable to ‘wind’ and ‘cold’ during this time, and only after the full month is she considered recovered enough to return to normal outdoor activities. ↩
4. sunset clouds: The Chinese text uses ‘huoshaoyun’ (火烧云), literally ‘fire-burning clouds’. This refers to vivid red or orange clouds at sunrise or sunset, often seen as a poignant or dramatic backdrop in literature. ↩
5. burned it: Refers to the Chinese custom of burning paper offerings or clothes for the deceased. It is believed that the smoke carries these items to the afterlife for the spirit to use. ↩