Chapter 51: Break Up?

Recently, Wang Jiexiang hasn’t been herself.

She would stare at a spot, her gaze blank, suddenly zoning out. Yin Xian had already encountered this several times.

The first time, Wang Jiexiang was cooking porridge when Yin Xian smelled something burning and came over, only to find her propping her head up with her hands, sitting in a chair, staring blankly.

The second time, he went to pick her up from work, but after a turn, she was gone. Yin Xian turned back to look for her, finding her with her head lowered, staring at the floor tiles, walking ahead, completely unaware that she was on the wrong path.

The first two times, he thought she was unwell, but Wang Jiexiang always reassured him: “I’m fine.”

The third time, Yin Xian woke up in the middle of the night to find no one beside him.

He turned on the light and saw Wang Jiexiang curled up in the corner of the bed, hugging her knees.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

The light and his voice brought Wang Jiexiang back to reality. She looked at him, her relaxed expression suddenly tightening.

“Where did you go?” she asked, as if preparing for battle.

“I didn’t go anywhere,” Yin Xian replied, puzzled by her expression. “Did you have a nightmare?”

Wang Jiexiang shook her head.

She lay back down.

As Yin Xian was about to fall asleep, she suddenly spoke.

“Xian Ge, do you like me?”

He turned around and gently patted her back, as if soothing a child.

“Do you like me?” Wang Jiexiang’s voice seemed far from sleepy.

Yin Xian sighed.

…

What surprised him was that Wang Jiexiang carried this state of mind to work.

When he heard the door open, he was taken aback. It wasn’t supposed to be an early-off day, yet she had come home early.

Wearing the Seafood Factory work cap that she forgot to take off, Wang Jiexiang looked dispirited.

He asked her what had happened.

Clutching her bag strap, Wang Jiexiang stammered.

“Today, while sorting the Seafood, I mixed up the good Seafood with the rejected ones, and without checking, I gave them to the customers. They complained. The boss said I wasn’t focused and told me to go home and rest.”

Yin Xian didn’t comfort her.

“You really weren’t focused.”

His eyes were cold, and he looked as if he was entirely detached from the situation.

“Thinking about other things while walking, not sleeping at night… In this state, do you think you can do a good job?”

Wang Jiexiang’s mouth turned down, gradually pressing into a straight line.

After a moment of silence, she spoke again.

“Xian Ge, do you dislike me now…”

“Earlier, I asked you if you liked me, but you didn’t answer.”

Yin Xian furrowed his brows. “Right now, we’re talking about your work.”

“Mm,” she lowered her eyes, speaking gloomily. “I know you’re talking about work. But recently, I’ve been thinking about something. Earlier, when I wanted to talk about our feelings, you didn’t want to talk about it with me.”

“Wang Jiexiang.”

He called her by her full name, and her shoulders trembled.

“Do you think you can live on love alone without needing food or a place to stay?”

“If you get fired, where will you find another job? Do you understand how hard it is to find work? You’ve said yourself that you only have a junior high school diploma, you’re from the Village, you’re young, and a woman. You can’t even get into a slightly better Work Unit. You spent a long time trying to get this job at the Seafood Factory, and you should be grateful that the boss hired you, trusted you, and gave you work. But now you’re slacking off, is that it?”

Wang Jiexiang’s eyes filled with tears as he hit on her sore spot, all the insecurities she had buried deep inside coming to the surface.

She had been wondering why, despite her repeated inquiries, Yin Xian never shared his thoughts with her. Now, his words seemed to have given her the answer.

“Yes, I have a junior high school diploma, I’m young, and I’m from the Village. So you think I’m stupid, and that’s why you don’t want to say many things… thinking I wouldn’t understand if you did.”

Yin Xian’s temples throbbed in pain.

“How did we get here? We’re talking about one thing, and you’re making it about something else. When did I say I didn’t want to talk about anything?”

She angrily accused him.

“A simple ‘Do you love me? Do you like me?’ you’ve never answered directly. Your past, the things you hide in your heart, you’d rather keep to yourself and suffer than share with me.”

Wang Jiexiang held back tears that threatened to spill, trying to keep her voice steady.

“If you didn’t mind answering, then maybe I misunderstood. But Xian Ge, I just want to ask, why should we be together? I really want to know that right now.”

He lifted his eyes, staring at her, speaking clearly and steadily.

“Because it makes our lives more convenient.”

“If being with me makes your life inconvenient, then it’s better if we’re not together.”

Wang Jiexiang took a deep breath. The air in the room felt thin, but as she inhaled deeply, the pain of the lack of oxygen seemed to burn all the way to her lungs.

His words hurt her heart.

“Convenient? Where’s the convenience? Someone to help with cleaning, is that the convenience? Someone to cook, to eat with, is that the convenience? Or maybe it’s just cheaper rent because we’re living together?”

She took it this far, but he didn’t interrupt her.

Wang Jiexiang’s expression darkened little by little.

The tears in her eyes had dried, and her throat was hoarse.

“Ah, I forgot, it was me, I was the one who said it at the start. We agreed that I would make things easier for you. I should thank you for kindly taking me in.”

He remained silent, letting her speak, letting her emotions spiral out of control.

“I thought after being together for all this time, something else might have come up. Like liking each other, caring about each other… But apparently not.”

The more intense Wang Jiexiang’s emotions became, the more Yin Xian resisted.

He crossed his arms and stood aside, still slightly frowning, showing no intention to communicate with her.

When she finally stopped talking, the room fell silent.

They stood facing each other, having nothing left to say.

Wang Jiexiang found it laughable. Yin Xian stood there, detached, as though he was just watching a dog go mad.

She didn’t think she was wrong.

Work was important, and she could take responsibility for hers.

But to her, their relationship was far more important than her work.

Was she being unreasonable? She didn’t think so.

Staying in this house, enduring the silence with Yin Xian, she feared she would suffocate.

She wanted an answer.

She wanted to know why he hated hospitals, why he didn’t love her, and what he was thinking when he wandered around alone in the dead of night.

She needed a clear, definite answer about their relationship.

So, even though their feelings were frozen on the brink of collapse, Wang Jiexiang gave no room for reconciliation. She stepped forward and pushed it further.

“You just said ‘don’t be together,’ so you mean breaking up, right?”

Yin Xian stared at her quietly.

Wang Jiexiang waited for five minutes.

She waited for him to speak, for a full five minutes.

She couldn’t take it anymore and rushed toward the door of the rental house. Without her shoes, she barged out.

In the late autumn, Wang Jiexiang ran barefoot onto the street.

She wandered aimlessly, taking deep breaths. The tears she had held back at home now flowed freely, soaking her face.

She had thought, at the very least, he would have called out to her…

Wang Jiexiang turned back to look at the direction of home.

The sky was darkening, and soon she wouldn’t be able to see the road.

The encroaching blackness filled her vision, and the direction of home was quiet, without a single moving figure.

Wang Jiexiang now truly felt foolish, very foolish.

He really didn’t love her.

She turned around, wiping her tears, and walked toward the main road.

— Can you see him clearly now? Do you still love him?

She asked herself.

Undoubtedly, she loved him.

But in the current state of her heart, she also began to hate him.

Yin Xian didn’t care for her love, didn’t care about losing her love.

Since her mother had passed, Wang Jiexiang had felt homeless several times, leaving her younger brother, grandmother, and father behind to run to the city. Yin Xian wasn’t just her lover; he had given her a home.

The more she loved him, the more she cared for him, the more she relied on him, the more she hated him.

She remembered their first big argument, when he packed his bags and was ready to leave. He could leave so decisively, which meant he had no attachment to their home.

Wang Jiexiang was furious.

She ran through all of Yin Xian’s flaws in her head.

Sarcastic, never speaking kindly, good at emotional cold violence.

Prideful, never seen him admit his mistakes.

No grace, no affection, always frowning…

The city lights flickered.

The crowds of people leaving work were bustling, and a young, beautiful girl without shoes walked down the street, standing out starkly.

Those who noticed her already thought she wasn’t quite right, and seeing her crying freely, many deliberately avoided her.

Wang Jiexiang had no idea how far she had walked, but her stomach was growling with hunger.

Yin Xian had so many flaws, she counted them all the way. Wang Jiexiang couldn’t remember how many times she turned around, but if Yin Xian had chased after her, all those flaws could have been forgiven.

But he didn’t.

So she kept walking, kept counting.

The shops by the street were at their busiest, and Wang Jiexiang smelled a delicious fragrance, her footsteps automatically drawn toward it.

The shop was selling beer-roasted duck.

The ducks rotating in the window were golden and dripping with fatty oil.

Sitting on the steps outside, Wang Jiexiang really wanted to eat some roasted duck.

But she had no money.

There was no Yin Xian behind her.

Smelling the roasted duck, she couldn’t help but imagine how happy it would be if she could eat some…

She could buy half a duck, take it home, slice it, and share it with Yin Xian, along with a plate of fluffy white rice.

Wang Jiexiang kept imagining and cursed herself for being useless.

Counting his flaws didn’t help her feel better. Wang Jiexiang started counting the good things Yin Xian had done.

What had he done for her? She deliberately guessed in a malicious way.

Juicing carrots… The machine was from the company’s discard pile, and the carrots were ones she didn’t even like.

Taking her to the doctor… He had called her a “Pig Brain” and yelled at her for not being able to walk properly.

Waiting for her to shower, picking her up after work… Yin Xian had said it was because he was afraid she would cause him more trouble.

Making seafood porridge with the crabs she brought home… He had complained about the crab, and the porridge was just thrown together.

Letting her live in his house, helping her get back her salary, handing her tissues when she was crying.

She couldn’t find any malice in these.