Finding a Spiritual Pillar

Chapter 46

Li Qingqing had emerged from her period of misery. She decided to treat Wu Jie a little better; after all, no matter how much she had tormented him while she was suffering, Wu Jie had never complained.

She began cooking for him again and stopped picking fights.

However, she soon found it impossible to maintain this mood because she felt that Wu Jie had changed.

Wu Jie had previously said that once he found other work, he would stop with the scrap collection. In reality, he had found a storefront in the city and expanded his scale.

“Second Cousin’s idea was good, but when it comes to actually doing business, Second Cousin still lacks vision,” Wu Jie told Li Qingqing.

When Wu Jie said this, Li Qingqing was busy gluing beaded flowers¹. This was a side job she had found for herself. Outside their apartment building was a garment factory, and the owner would give out tedious, time-consuming tasks to the housewives in the building who were staying home with children.

Li Qingqing hadn’t found any other work, and unwilling to remain idle, she had taken some of these tasks home.

Wu Jie spoke incessantly about his commercial empire. “Renting a shed outside the city costs about the same as a storefront inside. Before, our scrap collection relied entirely on luck, wandering the streets and alleys, only buying things when we happened upon them. Now that we have a fixed shop, I don’t even need to go out. People naturally bring things to me.”

Li Qingqing listened while she continued gluing the beaded flowers.

She looked at the large basket of flowers she had finished. Her eyes were strained to the point of blindness, yet the whole lot was only worth one yuan.

Perhaps it was because she had seen large sums of money before, or perhaps it was because Wu Jie talked every day about how much he earned, but at this moment, Li Qingqing felt truly miserable. Wu Jie’s lifestyle had ruined Li Qingqing’s perception of money. Whether she liked it or not, she had unconsciously begun to feel that one or two yuan was worthless.

But she could no longer tell Wu Jie to shut up and stop talking like she used to.

Because she could never find a job outside, and because she earned so little from her side work, Wu Jie treated her with increasing indifference.

A couple of days ago, Wu Jie had bought a television set. She had asked, “Can you see if it works? Could this be stolen too?”

Wu Jie’s face had immediately darkened as he said, “Don’t say things like that. If people outside hear you, what will they think? They’ll say you’re a scrap collector who accuses people of stealing without any evidence. Who would dare sell things to you after that?”

Li Qingqing could only remain silent.

Furthermore, subsequent facts proved Wu Jie right. With a fixed storefront, the amount of scrap they could collect increased significantly. One day, they even received four tons of scrap iron.

Wu Jie had also established a connection with a local steel mill. He could sell the scrap iron to them immediately and make a substantial profit.

As soon as Wu Jie got home, he talked about it and showed Li Qingqing the money he had made. He loved sharing exactly how much he earned.

Li Qingqing loved money, but when she saw such large amounts, her heart felt panicked as well as happy.

She was a person of the soil. From childhood to adulthood, she was used to a life where planting a field of sweet potatoes meant harvesting a field of sweet potatoes. To suddenly earn so much money without any transition made her heart uneasy.

Wu Jie did not feel this way. To him, this was opportunity. It was the reward for his intelligence and his willingness to take risks and work hard.

“Don’t always walk around with a long face, it looks depressing. I have money now, and our lives are better,” Wu Jie lectured her.

Li Qingqing couldn’t explain why she felt so anxious. She attributed her unease to a fear that people who had been robbed would eventually come looking for their things.

It would take many years for Li Qingqing to understand the impact that a scrap industry with a complete black market supply chain² had on a rapidly developing city in 1995.

The scrap iron Wu Jie received at that moment should have been distributed across various parts of the city – on factory machinery, on railways, at construction sites, or in the sewers. The one place it should not have been was in a scrap recycling station, being sold off as junk…

But the Li Qingqing of the present didn’t understand any of that. She simply felt that receiving stolen goods was wrong, yet she couldn’t convince Wu Jie. She thought to herself that if she found a proper job, she could eventually get Wu Jie to do something legitimate with her.

She looked for work even more diligently, wanting to pull the two of them out of their current environment.

The city and the village operated on completely different systems. Guangcheng was vast, and almost all available jobs relied on introductions. As Li Qingqing walked aimlessly through the streets, she knew no one.

She felt the entire city was like a sealed iron barrel³. She was like a corn seedling that had just been pulled up in the spring, searching here and there, unable to take root anywhere.

“We aren’t hiring. Go look somewhere else.”

In the evening, when Wu Jie learned she hadn’t found a job, he criticized her. “You run around all day and still haven’t found work. Did you think it would be easy? If I hadn’t seized that opportunity with Second Cousin, we wouldn’t be living like this now.”

Li Qingqing didn’t speak. She felt as though her throat were blocked.

Perhaps it was because the two of them spoke less and less, or perhaps it was for other reasons, but Wu Jie soon called his parents and brothers from their hometown to join them.

He did not consult Li Qingqing.

In the past, Li Qingqing would have certainly lost her temper. But now, she wasn’t earning money; it was all earned by Wu Jie. Since the relatives had come out and were spending Wu Jie’s money, she felt it wasn’t her place to say anything even though she knew about it.

Six people arrived all at once. With more hands available, Wu Jie stopped partnering with Second Cousin.

Not only that, but Wu Jie’s status within the family changed.

In the past, although Wu Jie was the youngest son, he was often scolded compared to his hardworking elder brothers.

Now, everyone in the family waited on him like he was an emperor. At mealtime, the meat dishes had to be placed in front of Wu Jie. Only after he moved his chopsticks⁴ could everyone else begin to eat.

“Our Wu family has finally produced a man of talent.”

Correspondingly, everyone’s attitude toward Li Qingqing changed.

“Before, everyone used to say my son was lucky to marry you. Now we know you’re the lucky one,” her mother-in-law said all day long. “Why do you have that funeral face every day? You’re living in a blessing and don’t even know it.”

“Sister-in-law, how can you act like this? I heard you’re still out looking for work. Why don’t you go help Wu Jie instead?”

“Qingqing, Wu Jie is back. Hurry and pour some water for him to wash his face. How much money can those Beaded Flowers of yours really make anyway?”

“I really don’t understand what’s going on in that head of yours. You have a good life handed to you, yet you insist on living like this. Is it possible some people just aren’t meant for a life of comfort?”

“You two have money now. Focusing on having a son is the only thing that matters.”

Whether it was her parents-in-law or anyone else, everyone was telling her how to act and how to please Wu Jie.

Li Qingqing was not used to it. She felt that her parents-in-law, along with her other relatives and Wu Jie, formed a solid, impenetrable wall. Even though she had returned home, she still had nowhere to plant her feet.

At first, Li Qingqing felt miserable. She spoke about it with the older neighbor she had met back in the shacks, but the woman couldn’t understand her perspective at all.

“Sister, you can’t blame me for taking Wu Jie’s side. Look at him – he can earn money, and so much of it, too. He doesn’t have any bad habits and he’s good to you. What is it you actually want? I really don’t get it.”

Li Qingqing stopped talking to people about it after that. Her heart felt heavy and stifled, as if no one would ever understand her.

At times like these, she would instinctively think of one person.

She felt like a corn seedling transplanted in the spring. To her, the city was an iron cage. She felt like she was dying, withering away. But wasn’t that exactly how Ming Wen had felt back then?

Whenever she felt like there was no place for her in the city, or whenever she heard her family’s endless nagging, she would always remember her last meeting with Ming Wen.

Ming Wen had looked at her gently, as if she could already see her future. Even though she had been complaining about the Immortal Lady at the time, the Immortal Lady hadn’t been angry with her. Instead, she had told her –

“Perhaps one day in the future, you will also be controlled by what others consider ‘natural.’ Everyone will tell you that you are wrong, that you are the problem, and that you should fall in line with everyone else.”

“At that time, you will feel isolated and helpless. You will doubt yourself and wonder if you’ve made a mistake.”

“In those moments, you’ll desperately want someone to tell you whether there’s actually something wrong with you. But Sha Niu and I won’t be by your side then. We won’t be able to support your ideas like we used to.”

“When that happens, I hope you can remember Sha Niu and me. We think you are right. We hope you will always be Li Qingqing – not a copy of your mother, and not a copy of your grandmother.”

Back then, she had thought she would never experience such a time in her life.

As she thought about it, she began to cry again. She missed the Immortal Lady so much, and Sha Niu, and Sha Niu’s Mother. Where were they now?

The Immortal Lady was right. She didn’t want to become like her mother, nor did she want to be like her grandmother.

The Immortal Lady wanted her to always be Li Qingqing, but… but being Li Qingqing was so painful.

So, every time she felt sad, she would think about things involving the Immortal Lady.

Once, she had a conflict with Wu Jie. She didn’t want to go back, so she and Sha Niu went to find Ming Wen, planning to sleep at her place.

She had rarely gone to Ming Wen’s room before; that was the first time.

Ming Wen’s room was very small, and even so, it was filled with various items, yet Ming Wen had arranged everything with perfect neatness.

Her quilt was very old, but it was kept spotlessly clean.

Li Qingqing couldn’t remember what had provoked the Zhang Family matriarch that night. she only remembered the woman shouting curses outside. Even if Ming Wen couldn’t understand the dialect, the tone was unmistakable; one didn’t need to understand the words to know it was abuse.

Li Qingqing’s face had flushed red with embarrassment. She turned her head, wanting to comfort Ming Wen, but Ming Wen was simply sitting there quietly, sewing her quilt.

Li Qingqing looked at her, unable to describe the feeling. At that moment, Ming Wen seemed like the wind blowing through a mountain forest – moving steadily forward, unaffected by anything.

Back then, Li Qingqing couldn’t understand what Ming Wen was thinking.

But now, Li Qingqing began to clumsily imitate the way Ming Wen had been back then.

Don’t argue, don’t let things affect you, strive to make yourself a bit more comfortable, and then do what you want to do.

She couldn’t find a place to belong in the city, nor could she find one at home, but within her memories, she found a foothold.

Her heart slowly began to settle. At first, it was just imitation, but gradually, she truly began to become that kind of person.

She continued to glue Beaded Flowers and continued to look for work. She also liked to mimic Ming Wen’s usual demeanor – listening to others talk without arguing, just listening.

This constant imitation sometimes made her feel as if she really was someone like Ming Wen.

That year, the once-clueless look in Li Qingqing’s eyes faded. Slowly, she developed the same gaze as the Ming Wen in her memories.

Occasionally, Li Qingqing felt a pang of regret. The person she was now could finally understand the words Ming Wen had said to her on the day she left.

If only they could meet one more time. Whenever she passed by a hospital and saw female doctors, she couldn’t help but look a few extra times.

Ming Wen must be a very impressive doctor by now, but she had never run into her.

Li Qingqing suddenly felt that the world was truly vast. It was nothing like Xinghua Village, where you would see the same people many times a day.

Meeting on the hillsides, meeting in the forest, meeting on the ridges of the fields⁵ – if you wanted to see someone, you would see them no matter what, sometimes to the point of annoyance.

Now, she saw different people every day.

It seemed she and Ming Wen might never meet again in this lifetime.

She wouldn’t even have the chance to say thank you.

She revisited their last meeting countless times in her mind. And just as many times, Li Qingqing regretted that encounter. Back then, she had been too foolish, trapped in her own emotions.

Yet even then, faced with her unreasonable behavior, the Immortal Lady had remained so gentle. The Immortal Lady had foreseen the path she would walk in the future and, fearing she wouldn’t be able to cope, had given her the answers in advance.

And she hadn’t even had the chance to properly thank the Immortal Lady.

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Translator’s Notes

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1. beaded flowers: Refers to ‘diǎn zhù huā’ (点珠花), a common form of manual ‘outwork’ in 1990s China. Factories outsourced tedious assembly tasks to stay-at-home women, paying by the piece. The extremely low pay (one yuan for a large basket) highlights the economic disparity between Li Qingqing’s labor and Wu Jie’s burgeoning business. ↩
2. black market supply chain: In the 1990s, China’s rapid urbanization led to a surge in ‘scrap metal’ theft. Criminal networks often stole public infrastructure—manhole covers, railway parts, and factory equipment—to sell to scrap yards. Wu Jie’s ‘success’ is implied to be built on laundering these stolen state and public assets. ↩
3. iron barrel: A metaphor (tiě tǒng) for something impenetrable or hermetically sealed. It describes Li Qingqing’s feeling of total social exclusion from the city’s ‘closed’ networks and her subsequent emotional isolation within her own male-dominated family unit. ↩
4. moved his chopsticks: In traditional Chinese patriarchal hierarchy, the head of the household or the most respected member must take the first bite before others are permitted to eat. This ritual signifies Wu Jie’s elevated status from a ‘scolded’ youngest son to the family’s ’emperor’ and primary provider. ↩
5. ridges of the fields: Refers to ‘tiankan’ (田坎), the narrow raised earthen paths or embankments that separate rice paddies or fields. These serve as both irrigation boundaries and the primary walking paths for villagers in rural agricultural settings. ↩