Divorce by Agreement C04

Chapter 4

#Are You Seriously Trying to Kill Me?

“First of all, I have a question.”

Inside the bamboo hut, all the furniture was made from snow bamboo. Xie Zhuo and I sat facing each other across a bamboo table.

The flickering flame of a snow bamboo oil lamp on the table cast dancing shadows on our faces. I asked him seriously, “So, exactly what time is it five hundred years ago right now?”

“May 18,” Xie Zhuo answered coldly.

I silently counted on my fingers.

Xie Zhuo and I had met on February 12, five hundred years ago. Today was May 18—three months after our first meeting. At this point in time, Xie Zhuo should be…

“Weren’t you…” I suddenly turned to look outside at the snow that had started falling again over the snow bamboo forest, and it hit me. “Weren’t you recovering from your injuries somewhere in this bamboo forest!”

Xie Zhuo neither confirmed nor denied it. He took a sip of water melted from snow using a cup made of snow bamboo.

I looked at Xie Zhuo’s face, barely changed from five hundred years ago in the firelight, and the memories that had been sealed away by the mundaneness of daily life slowly resurfaced.

I first met Xie Zhuo in mid-February at Kunlun Ruins.

Around that time, the areas outside Kunlun were starting to warm up, but Kunlun was still wrapped in heavy snow.

This snow bamboo forest lay deep in the heart of Kunlun, desolate and remote, with thin spiritual energy. Normally, no cultivators from Kunlun would bother coming here. But I loved the silence, and… the snow bamboo shoots.

February was when the snow shoots began to sprout. You just had to dig through the snow to find snow-white, jade-like bamboo shoots. Boil them briefly in hot water, let them cool, then toss them with the spices and chilies I grew myself. The flavor… crisp, tender, fresh, spicy—so good it could make you swallow your tongue.

I came here every year to look for shoots. I didn’t expect that particular year, I would find not just bamboo shoots, but a blood-covered Xie Zhuo.

At the time, I hadn’t yet undergone the heavenly tribulation to ascend to Immortal status. I was just an average cultivator, with only middling cultivation. As for Xie Zhuo—this monster…

Even though he was gravely injured and barely alive, the killing aura around him still made my skin crawl.

I turned to run, but Xie Zhuo grabbed my hand in a flash. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Instinctively, I pulled out the immortal sword hidden in my sleeve, ready to fight him to the death.

But the moment I turned around, I saw a flash of silver streak past my ear, graze Xie Zhuo’s cheek, and slam into the snow bamboo he was leaning against. It pierced through the bamboo and drilled straight into the snow beneath, melting an entire patch of it instantly.

If he hadn’t pulled me, that silver light would’ve gone straight through my chest…

Did he… this monster, save me? The moment I realized that, I quickly slipped the sword back into my sleeve.

All of this happened in the blink of an eye. By the time I fully processed it, I could no longer hold myself upright. I collapsed into Xie Zhuo’s arms.

His embrace was damp, bloody, dangerous—and strangely alluring.

I froze. I was a native-born Kunlun female cultivator—I had never stayed in a man’s arms like this before…

Xie Zhuo didn’t make any further moves.

The wind and snow howled. I waited for a while before shifting slightly. I looked up and saw that Xie Zhuo had tilted his head and passed out.

I stood up from his arms. My immortal robes were stained with his blood—so filthy it hurt to look at.

I glanced at him, then back in the direction the attack had come from. I thought, This unknown monster was hunted all the way to Kunlun and still nearly killed… He must’ve caused some serious trouble…

I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved. I could’ve just dragged his unconscious body to Queen Mother of the West and let the immortals interrogate him.

But I looked down at the marks on my wrist—left from where he grabbed me—and hesitated. In the end, I picked him up.

But I didn’t take him to the Queen Mother. Instead, I carried him to a cave I had dug out earlier in the snow bamboo forest while searching for shoots.

The cave was simple, but once the fire was lit, it was much better than letting him freeze outside.

I took care of him. Originally, I planned to send him out of Kunlun once he woke up. After all, this was a land for immortals—what place did a monster have here?

But Xie Zhuo slept for half a month. When he finally woke, it was nearly March. Even then, I couldn’t send him away—because… his legs were crippled, and he couldn’t use any spiritual techniques.

So I took care of him for another two months. Altogether, he stayed in that cave in the snow bamboo forest for three whole months!

No wonder when he came down from Kunlun, he came straight here without looking back. Turns out it wasn’t to accompany me in my temporary weakness—but because he had a goal in mind!

“It’s been too long, I can’t remember exactly where the cave is. Do you still remember?” I asked Xie Zhuo.

He took another unhurried sip of water.

I pressed, “If you remember, we can set out tomorrow.”

He looked up at me. I rubbed my chin, already forming a plan. “Alright, I remember that during the time you were recovering in the bamboo forest, I came to see you every day. It’s been three months since we met. If I recall correctly, by now I’d already started to kind of like you. I’m not sure how you felt, but I know myself. Tomorrow, let me go!”

Xie Zhuo folded his arms, giving me a contemptuous look like, let’s see what other nonsense you’ll spout now.

I ignored his disrespect and continued matter-of-factly, “I believe I was a pragmatic person back then. Tomorrow, I’ll go straight to see my past self…”

Xie Zhuo raised his brows slightly at those words, an odd flicker in his expression.

I couldn’t decipher his micro-expression, so I just laid out the rest of the plan: “Then I’ll reveal my identity and tell her about the outcome of our relationship. I’ll make sure she stops interacting with the you of that time. That way, if we can sever this tie—wouldn’t that be quick, convenient, and clean?”

Xie Zhuo stared at me, silent for a long moment, before finally saying, “Alright.” He looked at me. “You go…”

Fine, I’ll go.

Plan decided, I couldn’t be bothered to keep talking to Xie Zhuo. I went straight to the small room he’d prepared for me.

He wasn’t all bad—at least he didn’t abuse me when it came to accommodations.

Before bed, I looked out at the snowy bamboo forest at night, thinking smugly: What a brilliant mind I have. Solving this problem so easily.

The next morning, I jumped out of bed full of excitement. After a full night’s sleep, my body—torn by space and time—was finally not so fragile anymore. I still couldn’t use much spiritual power, but at least I could walk, run, and jump without issue.

I asked Xie Zhuo to draw a rough map of where the cave had been back then, and then set off with high spirits.

I thought, Who understands me better than myself? How could I fail to convince myself?

I would definitely…

I…

I hadn’t even reached the cave when I clutched my chest and turned back.

It hurt—damn it, it hurt like hell. The closer I got to that cave where Xie Zhuo once stayed, the more intense the pain in my chest grew.

This pain was a little different from the one I felt yesterday when being torn through time and space. My heart raced, my face turned pale, my limbs went weak. The further I walked, the more drained I felt—like… I was on the verge of disappearing.

Before I even got started, I had to retreat back to the small house in the Snow Bamboo Forest. I gulped down several cups of warm water before I finally calmed down.

Pale and shaken, I looked at Xie Zhuo. “Why am I like this?”

He sat leisurely in the room, casually spitting out four words: “King can’t meet king.”

“Speak human.”

“There can’t be two of you in the same place, in the same time.”

I froze, staring blankly at him. “What happens if there is?”

“One will disappear.”

“Who disappears?”

“The weaker one.”

I glanced down at myself and understood. My body, torn by time and space, couldn’t even cast a basic spell. Of course, I was weaker than my vibrant past self. So if I met the me from back then—I’d disappear.

I patted my chest. “Good thing I sensed something wrong and turned back in time…”

I tried to comfort myself. “Alright, alright. I’ll wait until I fully adjust to this time and space before I try to persuade my past self…”

But as I spoke, I suddenly realized something was off.

Right now, I’m weak, so I can’t meet the old me. Otherwise, I’ll vanish.

But my body is indeed slowly adapting to this timeline. One day, I’ll be as strong as I was before.

I’ll become an Upper Immortal again, and then the me from back then will be the weaker one. If we meet—she’ll disappear.

But wait!

If the me from back then disappears, how could the current me exist in the first place?!

It hit me all at once. No matter which version disappears—either way, it leads to a dead end!

Shocked, I turned to stare at Xie Zhuo.

“You didn’t even stop me?” I was stunned. “You were just going to let me go like that?” My emotions were a tangled mess. Once the shock passed, a sudden burst of rage—legendary wife-style rage of the “old married couple” variety—blazed up in my chest.

I slapped the table and stood up, reached across it, and yanked Xie Zhuo by the collar, dragging him forward.

His chest hit the bamboo table with a loud bang.

I demanded, “Are you seriously trying to fucking kill me?!”

But Xie Zhuo remained completely calm. He gave me the kind of dead-eyed look only a husband used to his wife’s fury would dare give.

He even tugged the corner of his mouth into something vaguely resembling a smile. Then he slowly spat out the words he meant to say:

“If you want to help, help. If you want to go, go.”

In other words—

Die if you want. Who cares?

I stared at that face of his, grinding my teeth, every thought in my head condensed into a single sentence…

Xie Zhuo, you really are something else!

—

Author’s Note:

Yes, yes, you’re not imagining it—this is indeed a reference to the second master from the (Master Series) of short films. But it’s been expanded and reimagined.

The tragicomic path of a divorced immortal couple begins in earnest next chapter.

—————

In the 《師父系列》 (Master Series) of short films, the second master appears in the second episode and became a meme because of his dramatic, cryptic, yet oddly persuasive lines—like「沒錯沒錯你沒感覺錯」(“Yes, yes, you’re not mistaken”). These lines often have a mystical tone and are delivered with exaggerated seriousness, which led to fans remixing and extending them into parodies and inside jokes. The whole thing evolved into a recognizable internet meme for that specific dramatic/wise-master energy.