Chapter 44: My Head is Full of You

“What’s the situation? Universe Technology is handing out girlfriends now? For real? I don’t believe it… Dammit, President Zhang is getting more and more ridiculous!”

“Could it be… they’re actually going to send me a girl?”

“I don’t know if it’s real or fake. I just came for the gossip. Isn’t Universe Technology a gaming company? Have they started a matchmaking business online?”

“Beats me, I’m just here for the drama too!”

“Huh? There seems to be a form here. I’m going to download it and take a look…”

“What the heck? Custom-made girlfriends? Holy crap, is this for real?”

“Wait, there’s a reward for filling out the form and stating your requirements? A cash bonus?”

“What? Is President Zhang starting to throw money around again?”

“…”

In the Qiandu Tieba forums.

A crowd of forum users stared wide-eyed at the stickied hot post: “Universe Technology is handing out girlfriends (boyfriends)!”

What on earth was this?

They stared at the lines of text on their screens!

Their minds were filled with curious question marks.

Many people clicked in subconsciously.

And once they clicked in…

They grew even more excited!

It seemed Universe Technology was playing for keeps this time?

Are they really giving us girlfriends?

…………………….

“The you of the past…”

“Have you ever fantasized about that person you were destined to be with?”

“How would you meet? What kind of story would unfold? Would you brush past each other and regret it for the rest of your lives, or would you hold hands and spend a lifetime together?”

“What kind of person are they in your heart?”

“Have you ever met a girl (or boy) you liked in real life, only to feel nervous and lost? Even though your heart was full of a thousand words, in the end, you couldn’t say a thing?”

“Have you ever been terrified of saying the wrong thing, making them dislike you, only to watch them walk away?”

“Have you ever felt inferior, annoyed, or regretted why you didn’t just give it a try?”

“Come on!”

“Tell us all about your confusion!”

“Click to download the questionnaire!”

“As long as you are sincere and detailed enough, we can custom-make a girlfriend (or boyfriend) for you!”

“Cold and aloof, gentle, kind, passionate…”

“…”

After seeing the long list of messy questions, Liu Ruohan was momentarily stunned.

What exactly was this guy trying to do?

Handing out girlfriends?

Boyfriends?

His company was entirely made up of men; there wasn’t a single female in sight. More importantly, the data showed that several employees clearly had receding hairlines – one look and you could tell they’d be balding in a few years. What was he going to hand out?

Who would even want them?

Liu Ruohan studied it for a long while, pondering over every word, until finally, it clicked!

“This guy… he actually wants to make a dating sim!”

“…”

As she reached this conclusion, she noticed a download link for a form on the side.

She clicked it, downloaded the form, and opened it.

“Your nickname is:”

“Your date of birth is:”

“Your height is:”

“What kind of person do you think you are? Please answer honestly:”

“What type of boy (or girl) do you like:”

“Can you be specific? The more detailed you write, the higher our cash reward will be…”

“Your account number is (Note: Account is for the company to transfer the reward money):”

“…”

The form was in the style of a questionnaire.

After reading it from beginning to end, Liu Ruohan was somewhat speechless.

This guy was crowdsourcing ideas to make a game again.

Just then…

Her phone buzzed with another text message.

“Beep beep.”

“President Liu, I’m sorry to disturb you so late, but there is indeed a very important matter…”

“Could you give me a response? Is it convenient to talk on the phone?”

“…”

Liu Ruohan was beyond speechless.

This guy…

What was he up to now? What kind of cooperation was this!

“What is it?”

She finally replied with a text.

“President Liu, you finally replied! That’s great. Well, we are currently developing a big-data dating software. A girl as beautiful, cute, and pure as you is simply the goddess in the hearts of our male compatriots. You are absolutely the first choice for a game character template!”

“In fact, ever since the first time I saw you, my head has been full of your image. Even every word you’ve said keeps echoing in my ears like the most beautiful celestial music. I’ve even fantasized that if I had such an outstanding girlfriend like you in the future – I mean ‘if’ – just how much smoke would have to rise from my ancestral graves¹, and how much merit would I have had to accumulate in my past life²…”

“…”

When Liu Ruohan saw this non-stop stream of text that looked suspiciously like a confession, her face instantly flushed hot again.

She couldn’t take it anymore!

Disgusting!

Vulgar!

Was this man ever going to stop!

How could he be like this,

This man!

Does he have no shame at all?

Forget it, forget it, I’m not reading anymore.

Liu Ruohan clearly didn’t want to look, but her finger subconsciously opened the next text message anyway.

“But I know I’m not worthy of you. I don’t have the education, and while I have a little bit of ability, it’s hardly enough to be noticed. So, when I occasionally think about it, I feel very inferior. Even when I encounter you, I feel my heart racing and it’s hard to breathe. In the end, I can only hide these fantasies in my heart, never daring to hope for your favor in reality…”

“…”

As Liu Ruohan read this, her expression became more stunned, and she felt like she was going crazy!

Wait!

How did this sound so much like a confession!

This guy!

What was wrong with him!

Ugh!

Too disgusting, too mushy.

What was all this about feeling inferior, not being worthy, heart racing, and difficulty breathing?

Do you have a heart condition!

Reading this, Liu Ruohan felt her skin crawling with goosebumps.

She had seen many confessions before, but those were generally subtle and gentlemanly. A confession as bold as Zhang Yang’s was truly…

“Zhang Yang, enough! Can’t you just be normal for once?”

She finally couldn’t hold back anymore and fired off a text in response.

“President Liu, um, my texts today… I didn’t cause you too much trouble, did I?” Zhang Yang replied meekly.

“What do you think?”

“Well, if I offended you, I hope you can forgive me. After all, I was just using myself as an example. A pathetic loser like me, who only dares to seek romance in a virtual world, really needs some virtual comfort to find a bit of happiness!”

“Zhang Yang, you’re disgusting!” For some reason, as she read this, all sorts of messy, inappropriate images flashed through Liu Ruohan’s mind.

She was utterly speechless.

“I wanted to ask for your permission. I really want to use you as a blueprint to create a virtual goddess. This game…”

“I don’t give you permission!”

“Ah, it wouldn’t be your exact image, just… someone similar to you…”

“I said no, and I mean no!”

“Then how about I treat you to dinner?”

“No. This isn’t something a meal can fix…”

“Then tell me, what will it take for you to agree? Or I could treat you to two meals? Do you like barbecue?”

“Zhang Yang, I’m not a foodie! I’m on a diet, I can’t eat stuff like that…”

“Oh, oh… then do you have any best friends? Someone as beautiful as you must have beautiful friends, right? Could you introduce me?”

“No!” Liu Ruohan felt like she was about to go crazy.

How could this man start targeting her friends already!

Couldn’t he just focus on one thing?

“Um…”

“What now?” She clutched her phone, a wave of inexplicable irritation washing over her the moment she saw a new message.

“President Liu, I think I still owe you money, right? For that Desert Bicycle thing, you seemed to…”

“And?”

“Can I count that money as your investment in our game to fund development?”

“Whatever you want…”

“And can I use your image appropriately for promotion? Since you’ve technically invested a bit, if the game becomes a hit, I’ll give you a cut of the profits…”

“Zhang Yang, are you really not going to stop until you’ve taken every possible advantage of me³?”

“I swear on my life, that’s not what I meant! Even for the promotion, I’d show you the designs first. I won’t do anything reckless. I’m a man of my word. If you don’t believe me, I can sign a contract with you?”

“Fine, fine, do whatever you want…”

Liu Ruohan was beyond words.

Her cheeks had been slightly flushed a moment ago, but now she was pale with exasperation.

Give this man an inch and he takes a mile.

Whatever!

Investing in his game technically meant she had achieved her goal to some extent, right?

Thinking of it that way made Liu Ruohan feel a little better.

(End of Chapter)

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Translator’s Notes

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1. smoke would have to rise from my ancestral graves: A translation of the idiom 祖坟冒青烟 (zǔfén mào qīngyān). In Chinese culture, it is believed that if a family’s ancestral graves emit a wisp of blue smoke, it is a sign of extreme good fortune or that the ancestors are bestowing great blessings upon their descendants. It is used here to hyperbolically describe how lucky Zhang Yang would be to have a girlfriend like Liu Ruohan. ↩
2. merit would I have had to accumulate in my past life: Refers to the concept of 积德 (jīdé), or accumulating virtue/merit. In Buddhist and Taoist belief systems, good deeds performed in a previous life result in positive karma or rewards in the current one. Zhang Yang is suggesting that dating her would require an impossible amount of good karma from his previous incarnations. ↩
3. taken every possible advantage of me: The original Chinese phrase 占便宜 (zhàn piányi) has a significant double meaning. While it can mean taking financial advantage or getting a bargain, it is also a common euphemism for taking physical liberties, flirting inappropriately, or sexually harassing someone. This explains why Liu Ruohan finds Zhang Yang’s behavior “disgusting” and “mushy” rather than just a business annoyance. ↩